Maggi vs. Porn

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Recently, Maggi was banned in India due to concerns of excess lead in the products, breaking Desi hearts all over the world. This disastrous decision only matched the devastation from a few years ago, when India also prohibited the consumption of pornography, provoking a number of responses. Last Tuesday, India overturned this decision after much outrage.

In order to digest India’s back-and-forth bans on all things beloved, we’ve decided to make a list of probable impacts surrounding the ban on Maggi and on porn. Perhaps this way we can evaluate which decision has really left the country in a state of ruin.

Impacts of the ban of Maggi
• All over the world, Desi college students cringe: turns out, lead is what makes Maggi “the better ramen”
• People are scrambling to find what supermarkets sell remnants of almost-expired Maggi in defiance of the ban
• Brown parents are left wondering what else they can make under 4 minutes to impress their kids’ white friends with.
• Desi chem majors are now measuring exactly how much lead is “allegedly” in Maggi and whether it’s really “lethal”
• “If I haven’t already died from Maggi I’m probably not going to” — said every Maggi aficionado ever
• A consequential lack of trust in deliciousness. Gulab jamuns are probably products of hydrochloric acid, and jalebis are likely doused in kerosene. Nothing is sacred.

Impacts of the ban of porn
• Black market porn will now be made with even lower budgets than legal porn, and it’ll be distributed on the streets of Andheri at inflated prices. Everyone will be too embarrassed to haggle.
• At 2 am, you won’t find anyone in the secluded parts of your school’s library, taking advantage of the fast WiFi.
• No one will walk into their roommate, staring at their laptop and guiltily squirming under their sheets to make it seem like they were “just napping”
• All of a sudden, everyone in India will become an expert at the Internet and all its hidden bits.
• The lack of internet porn will give way to a regression in porn standards — magazines, cartoons, and eventually crude cave drawings.

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